Ten secrets about Barry Bonds revealed in the book Game of Shadows

1. Candy comes out of his head if you hit it with a stick

2. Racial tension is a front for his extreme obsession with the Osmonds

3. BALCO is an acronym for Barry's Ass Lotions, Creams and Oils

4. Played accordion in the group They Might Be Giants Once They Hit the Roids

5. The fluids in his knees have been replaced with pie filling

6. Baseball is just a day job to tide him over until he lives his real dream....interpritive dance!!!

7. Pete Rose is waiting for him to be banned from baseball so he can start his new club

8. Bonds never has touched a single steroiid....they've all been married (*rimshot!*)

9. Bonds doesn't juice....it's all sandwiches from Subway!!

10. Remember that time he saved the managers kid? Afterwards, Barry ate him