1). All sex acts followed by Brazillian man saying "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!!"

2). He'd be married to a Spice Girl

3). Drunk, pale, fat, white guys wait to beat every member of jury who say Kobe's guilty.

4). He'd be rejected by the Simpsons to do a guest voice because he's not famous enough.

5). Shaquille O'Neal would still be most overrated basketball player ever.

6). Kobe's lawyer? Wacky British nanny turned lawyer Louise "Shakin the baby!" Woodward

7). Kobe's accuser? Wacky British nanny turned lawyer Louise "Shakin the baby!" Woodward

8). First soccer game broadcast on BET sets ratings record.

9). Teammate David Beckham keeps missing free throws.

10). No one in America would give a crap.