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/a begins "The Ghosts of Edendale."
I hear this is an indie film that people really like even though it looks
like it was made for $1.50. I can believe it.
It begins with a couple moving to LA and they're full of hopes and dreams.
The
beginning sequence of the move is long and poorly acted. The filming budget must have been very cheap.
Their fridge
is full of rotten food.
Lots of clunky "moving in dialogue." They meet their neighbor, Nolan who shares their passion
for clunky dialogue.
Another neighbor warns them about chemicals in the lawn. Oh! He's also the hot tub fixer! Incoming
hot tub scenes!
The people who owned the house before them fled the house and became missionaries.
All the neighbors
are LA people who all work for studios.
The couple want to be screenwriters-- like everyone else in LA.
She
opens the closet and little boy with painful looking fake lesions all over his face zooms out.
She won't tell her husband
she saw the boy.
She used to be a famous model.
The wife gets a call from her sister and she tells her sister
she's "seeing them again."
When no one is looking some ghostie faces appear in the fence behind the house.
The
wife's name is Rachel and the husband is Kevin.
Rachel meets the neighbor, Andrew, who is an actor. Too bad the schmuck
playing him is totally not an actor.
Andrew is a douche. I hope a ghost kills him. He bores me. /a skins Andrew alive.
Kevin
isn't writing. He's playing tetris and rubbing his face like he's checking for zits.
Whoa! Continuity error!!! *sirens!!!!*
Kevin is now shaving and up close, not a lot of shaving cream, while talking to Rachel, too much shaving cream.
*sirens!!!*
Now the on the talking-to-Rachel-shots his shaving cream is streaky but over his shoulder into the mirror he's got a clowny
smile of shaving cream.
The gist of the shaving conversation was about how Rachel has a modeling job offer and Kevin
is pissy because she wants to take it and even though they have no money, she should just suffer.
Now he's cut himself
shaving so he's not angry at her anymore. How does that work?
They smooch in the hot tub.
They have sexy sex
in the hot tub and just as she's in mid-oomph a ghost of a woman appears in the fence and watches them. Rachel sees it and
backs away from Kevin.
She pretends nothing happened and he wants to get back to oomphing and they do!
Later
that night she listens to stange talking in the house.
Cut to morning- She goes over to Andrew's house because she
thinks she heard the poor little douche crying. Julian, the neighbor, was already in Amdrew's house and assures Rachel that
Andrew is fine and nothing is wrong and everything is fine and he'll be fine and they are fine, yes, everyone is just perfectly
fine. (Thank God she called Julian by name because I didn't mention before that many of the neighbors are bald guys and hard
to tell apart.)
Rachel packs up to fly to her photo shoot in Boston.
For a moment she thinks she sees Andrew
chasing after them and flailing his arms like a moron. Haven't they taught that boy yet not to chase cars? They should just
chain him up in the backyard and have done with it.
As the couple leaves, several ghosts appear in broad daylight and
trudge up to the house. That's actually a cool shot.
Kevin's back from the airport all alone.... or is he?
Kevin's
all alone, he hears things in the backyard, there's a minor earthquake, he quits smoking, starts looking around like he's
not the one in ownership of his body anymore and weird shadows appear on the side of the house.
Suddenly he's writing
at the computer and we get random shots of bald neighbors looking at the camera as if they hear Kevin writing stuff. He watches
TV and shadowy ghosts pace around behind him.
Rachel is back and yammering about the shoot and she notices Kevin is
all different. He quit smoking, his hair is combed back and he's acting all gay with a hint of evil. She likes the change.
It
seems Andrew has left suddenly while she was gone.
Kevin's working out and doesn't eat anymore either. She doesn't
get it yet.
She steps out of the shower and goes into the bedroom to see a guy dressed like a coyboy with a bandana
on his face. She thinks it's Kevin trying to have some sex role play but it turns out to just be a horny ghost with a rotting
face. She screams. It's all a dream.
Next morning she's running and she runs into another clunky actor who is trying
to find a studio. Oooh. suspicious. What studio does he mean? There is no studio. Gosh golly gee, I'm stumped. She leaves
the bad actor behind as he cusses out the studio.
She works in the garden and digs up a rusty cowboy spur.
They
get ready for a party at one of the bald guy's houses and Kevin finds the spur and starts to cry all gay because she found
it. Now she's all WTF?
Julian and Kevin have some forced dialogue about how the neighbors on the hill seem to know
all that goes on.
Nolan and Rachel have some more forced dialogue about how everything in the neighborhood needs to
connect. Then she passes out cheese.
A big producer meets Kevin and wants to film his unfinished screenplay about cowboys.
Rachel learns the neighborhood used to sit on some cowboy actor's ranch and some old movies were filmed out there once. Oh!
It's Tom Mix who is a real guy who was killed in a car crash. Back in 1915 Tom was gonna show these four evil film producers
a script he'd written but he died first. The four strange neighbors watch Rachel and Kevin as they learn about this. Hmmmm....
Rachel
questions Kevin about the weird party and he calls her a f*cking b*tch and tries to hit her and she stands there emotionless
and is all, "Honey, you're acting a little funny.... but not so funny haha."
In the morning she gets back at him by
giving him two middle fingers behind his back. That'll show him!
She's worried about Andrew again but Kevin rudely
tells her to forget about him. Then Kevin leaves the house and she really gets back at him by reburying the spur. She goes
back in the house and muddy footprints lead her right back to the spur on the table. She freaks. Thank goodness she decides
to take off all her clothes and skinny dip in the hot tub. That's totally what I would do if ghosts were after me too.
Suddenly
there's a dead chick in the pol with her that she can't see but she does see the little boy from the closet peeping on her.
He says it's not nice to be an indian giver. She throws on her towel and runs into the house where all the ghosts peep at
her. Just then her husband walks in and his face morphs into another and she passes out.
She wakes up and he convinces
her she "boiled [her] brain" in the hot tub and was seeing stuff.
He brought her an old black and white movie. Tom
Mix looks like Kevin! Oh my! She's getting it now. Finally.
She tells him he's Tom Mix and he's all "Meh. Whatever.
I got takeout. Want some?"
Rachel has decided she's going to see her sister and he doesn't care. She's visiting her
sister now and she tells Rose about how weird it is. Rachel wants to move out.
Next day Rose is there to help her move.
Kevin comes home and is cold to Rose. He doesn't want her to go and he worries about her apperent craziness. Time passes and
Rose has turned up missing. Rachel hears random sceams but doesn't react in favor of calling Kevin an ass. Kevin's off to
a movie premiere.
She cries as he leaves and noises start up that she yells at the wind chimes freak out. She's not
sure if the noises are Rose but she doubts it.
She runs outside and it's really dark outside. Suddenly a ghost on a
horse chases her up the hill. She runs into the house. The sink spurts blood, ghosts trudge towards her, she looks in the
hot tub and I think she sees an image of herself in the water. She slams the lid down and there's no sound. Inside her home
the black and white ghosts are having a silent party... like in a silent movie. Do you get it?
Her neighbors are all
there as the four evil producers. The little boy shows up and he's looking less dead. He asks ghost Tom/Kevin for an autograph
and poins to Rachel. Some girls at the party burn Rachel's stuff in the fireplace.
Rachel is now a crazy person that
wanders the streets without a voice. Kevin brings home a new trophy wife and they drive passed crazy Rachel. The End. whatever.
I
really had high hopes for this movie. It had potential but the budget and the clunky acting made it suck. That and the whole
shaving cream thing. I'm still upset over that.
The story wasn't bad at all, it was just presented, very painfully
and embarassingly bad. If they want to remake it I'd be more than happy to spot them $20 and have a bakesale on the condition
they write Andrew out completely.
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