Brotherhood of the Wolf

It's called "Brotherhood of the Wolf" or "Le Pactes des Loups" if you're nasty.

The DVD starts with a commercial for Bourne Identity. I hate it when they force a commercial on you.

Open on the french revolution and some guy writing french stuff on a scroll. People yell outside, probably revolutionizing. The servant tells teh man they must go but the man continues to narrate that a beast is coming.

A french wench runs through the countryside falling down, and falling out of the top of her dress.

She tried to climb a boulder but something from underneath her grabs her and beats her against the boulder then eats her. The year? 1764.

The province of Gevauden is under attack by a beast, a voice tells us.

Some french people beat an old french man in the french rain in a french pasture.

A guy in a three cornered hat stops the beatings and kicks the ass of the head old guy beater.

And he kicks all their asses until one french ruffian says the old guy is a theif and the girl with him is his daughter. She's a witch. The three cornered hat guy and the witch share a look that says "It's only a matter of time before we get it on."

The three cornered hat guy who kicked ass is Gregoire DeSomethingorother, or Greg. His companion is Mani. Greg is a taxidermist.

I'll do my best here with the french names but I'm not going to look them all up. Greg and Mani are going to stay with some guy I believe they called the Marquis DeLampshade.

DeLampshade tells Greg and Mani he doesn't believe in monsters. BTW, Mani is a Native American. Anyway, Greg is some war hero now. He knows his flora, fauna and Kung Fu.

DeLampshade runs a hospital in his castle for victims of the monsters he doesn't believe in. He tells us the woman they hear screaming all throughout the castle had her face torn off.

Ooh! Greg and Mani are sharing a room together. They are THOSE kind of companions.

Greg tries to sketch the beast that attacked a boy by the boy's descriptions of it. DeLampshade comes in to say a girl had been attacked in Sorebuns and they should investigate.

The trio ride off to the site of the body of some pale nude chick who is lying half in the water. Greg goes all CSI on her body.

Some of DeLampshades army stop by and promise next time they will get the beast and why the hell is he letting the gardener touch the dead lady?

Back at the castle they meet with some bigwig french guy and his son, Jean-Francois. Jean and Greg share a look that says "We might do the nasty later. Who knows?" Jean is missing an arm.

Jean and the other frenchguys talk about how haunting down the beast is costing them all lots of money. Then the harpsichord music stops and it turns out that Jean is all sweet on the harpsichord player, Marian.

Damn! All these frenchguys look alike. Actually it's not Jean. It's some playwright with froofy hair.

Greg talks all flirty to Marian and gives her a sexy growl 'cause chicks always dig that.

Greg shows the party guests at the dinner table the weird thing he found in America and taxidermied: A hairy fish.

He passes the hairy fish around the table and then Jean snots that it's not real. Greg confesses it's not real. Marian is sure this means Greg is trying to say the people of Gevauden are all stupid for believing a monster is eating them.

The playwright recites some gay poetry at the dinner table that includes making howling noises. Everyone laughs and he is embarrassed.

Greg flirts with Marian by telling her she should be obedient.

The next day the manly men of Gevauden set out to search for the beast. Some people laugh at Mani 'cause he's different.

A crowd forms around Mani to watch him kick butt to some Xena type music which is fitting because two chicks step out to fight him.

Lots more people attack Mani until Jean shoots off the fingers of one guy and it's over.

Jean is a gun freak.

The witch has been brought back into the story because some soldiers whink she's possessed merely because she's writhing and foaming at the mouth. Greg knows she's just crazy and he tells her dad not to let her swallow her tongue.

Marian is going out onto the hunt.

Marian shows what a strong willed lady she is by racing her horse against Greg and Mani. They stop at a burned out church.

She says the church is haunted.

Anyway, the hunting party shoots some wolves. Regular boring old wolves.

Marian tried to shoot a wolf too but Greg won't let her. She's mad.

Mani is mad about all the dead wolves.

Now for some good old racism. The men ask Mani has the right anatomy to get it on with a white woman because he is Iroquois.

Greg has Mani assign the hunting party members totem animals.

The Marquis DeLampshade takes our heroes to a bordello where the ladies seem to have trouble wearing pants. Lots of buttcheeks here.

Greg gets it on with an Italian whore.

The Italian whore lightly stabs him and he seems perfectly fine with that. And none of the whores want to sleep with Mani.

One brave whore goes into Mani's room and asks if he's a sorcerer. He shows her his penis and she's happy enough to sleep with him now.

Since Greg has no problem with being stabbed before, he returns to his Italian whore who wants him to sketch her.

Interesting transition... The camera pans over the Italian whore's body and as it gets to her white breasts the shot dissolves into two snowy hills. Greg VO's that three winters had passes and they hadn't gotten the beast yet.

On a cold winters night all the rich people are all at church when a peasant bursts in saying his kids were herding goats through MontMushy and they are all gone.

Warriors go to MontMushy.

Greg finds the body of some guy bitten in half.

Mani found the little girl alive.

Now all the french aristocrats have to answer for not getting the beast.

Greg says he found a steel fang in the last victim.

The general is being sent away and someone new from the church is being brought in to kill the beast.

Oops. My bad again. Greg has only been there three months, not years.

Greg flirts with Marian some more. He's still not getting any from her. Good thing he has that Italian whore who likes to stab him.

He goes to see the Italian whore and she knows he's in love. She says Mani has stopped by many times and he never seems to want to have sex. He just gets drunk and talks in his sleep.

Okay. Greg has a dream about naked women stabbing him and that scares him. How come when he's awake and naked women stab him he's okay with it?

The special soldiers sent by King Louis arrive to kill the beast.

Mani does ritual stuff to the little girl.

A priest freaks out and calls everyone in to see what the savage is doing. Suddenly the little girl wakes up and we get a flashback of what she saw. Finally we get a werewolf eating a guy. One wolfy think will metal teeth is eating a guy and a second wolfy thing poins at the little girl.

The new general wants Greg to taxidermy up a regular wolf to look like the beast to shut King Louis up.

This scene is really gross!

The general presents the frankenwolf to Louis.

Everyone is convinced that the beast is dead and all are happy except Greg. To show how safe they feel, the bosomy wenches can freely walk the foggy countryside alone again, YAY!

One particular bosomy wench falls in some water before she hears strange things in the forest near her.

Another bosomy wench bites the big one. The beast eats her, of course. Her doggie runs to get help.

Greg's VO says that history will never know what truly happened in Gevauden. Is this movie wrapping up? That blows.

Greg goes to Marian's for some sweet lovin'!

Marian sends a servant out to get some wine. The beast gets him and drags him all through the cellar and Greg and Marian can hear him under the floor.

The CGI beast comes out of the cellar and it's made of metal. It isn't too afraid of the guy with the pitchfork.

It goes after Marian. We get a close up. The beast actually looks more like a skeleton with metal parts. Whatever.

The beast is being controlled by a guy in bad make up. It's sits down next to him and then we cut to Greg shooting pumpkins. Must be October.

Greg shoots pumpkins and tells DeLampshade and Mani that the beast has a master and he wants to find this master.

They all pick their weapons: Greg takes a gun, DeLampshade takes a crossbow and Mani takes an axe.

The witch and her dad appear at a bear baiting thing except there is no bear. Some angry dogs are sent to attack the beast. How did they get the beast behind bars?

Meanwhile DeLampshade and Greg cook their dinner of rat and talk about Mani and gives the whole lecture about infected blankets given to his tribe.

Enter Mani in warpaint and a tiny loincloth. He's ready to rumble.

Mani drugs DeLampshade for no reason. He wakes up in time for Mani to call the wolves to chase the beast to them.

Mani stands all "Come get some" in the middle of the forest and the beast snarls at him.

They cage the METAL beast in WOOD which totally doesn't work and it rips DeLampshade's arm off.

It gets away but somehow it's able to bleed at they follow it.

Mani, in little little loin cloth and chaps, follows it to the bear baiting cave.

Now all the people who like watching the beast baiting attack Mani.

I thought this movie was ending.

The master steps out and shoots Mani. I pray for Mani's death

Greg finds Mani and gives a typical old contrived primal scream. Just end!!!!

Greg goes after the beast and the master himself.

(Lita: Greg is the master beast baiter.)

Greg sets the master beast baiter's lair on fire.

He finds the master baiter's innersanctum. Lots of bones.

The master baiter is apperently an evil taxidermist. He's got all kinds of bones sticking out and sticking in jars and things.

Greg leaves to put Mani on a funeral pyre and ignite it.

The evil soldiers arrest Greg and make him spill Mani's ashes all over.

The Italian whore shows up to see him and tells him all about the Brotherhood of the Wolf.

The Italian whore poisoned Greg. Marian finds out.

The french whore digs up Greg's body.

Some dudes try to poison Marian. Jean stops her from ingesting the posion.

Jean has another arm sewn onto the stump. He's the master baiter after all.
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Marian is killed. But luck! Greg is alive again. JUST END!!!!

Greg kills members of the Brotherhood.

Damn French!!!!

The Italian whore appears and kills the witch.

(Tork: Maybe Rimmi has been making it up for the last two hours.)

(Rimmi: That woud be funny if I was. I'm fast fowarding stuff too.)

Finally Greg kills Jean.

The Brotherhood is arrested. The Italian whore is an undercover member of the Vatican. Who saw that coming?

This movie isn't ending!!!!! Greg is taking forever to kill this beast.

Back to the French Revolution. DeLampshade is thr old man from the beginning. The angry mob gets him.

The FREAKIN' END!

: What a pile of runny merde it turned out to be too.

The running time did not say it was this long.

Damn french and their silly artsy fartsy peice of crap.

28 Days Later was harder to watch then this. I ran out of funny stuff to say about that one. At least we had the Master Baiter to keep us going.