1. That Joe Torre can be successful despite his battles with holding in his chronic diarrhea.

2. During extremly cold days, they can slice open David Wells and crawl inside his blubber for warmth.

3. They play that weird musical bell chime even for a sacrifice fly, just to make the guy who made the out feel better.

4. They can take a drunken whino off the street and turn him into the most recognized public address announcer in sports.

5. Hideki Matsui can be an all star, even though he has no idea how the hell to play the game. God bless America!

6. Thanks to plastic surgery, Don Zimmer doesn't look a day over 89.

7. Bernie Williams keeps getting hurt so he can focus on his music. There's a man who knows his priorities!

8. Mariah Carey was too crazy even for Derek Jeter.

9. If Saturday Night Live's ever desperate for a host, all they have to do is call up the stadium. The host for the season premiere? Bat boy Little Billy Snegler! (With musical guest Bernie Williams!)

10. Roger Clemens hasn't had a groin injury in years, thanks to the best cups in the game!

 

1. They let the Yankees win all those important games because they're so gosh darn nice!

2. Bill Mueller: Backup third baseman on the Devil Rays. Red Sox? All Star Candidate!

3. Pedro Martinez can say that Hitler was misunderstood, and still be loved by all.

4. Only the Red Sox are "equal oppurtunity" enough to give a guy named Trot a chance to play.

5. The Yankees may have their own tv network...but the Red Sox have world famous weiners!!!

6. Nomar Garciaparra...a Bahston accent name if there ever was one.

7. Manager Grady Little hasn't chased Patriots quarterback Tom Brady with a shotgun and a pitchfork, even though he knows that he's the city boy slept with his daughter, Clara Bell.

8. How many other teams have a general manager younger than the entire coaching staff?

9. They catch a lot of heat for giving Manny Ramirez all that money, but they realize that Manny needs it just to cover the cost of his hair care alone.

10. Byung Hyun Kim: That's just fun to say.