Okay, you guys have heard of this movie but pretend you haven't and you're excited, okay?
Onil mentioned it on
the Duh but I don't know who has actually seen it.
Tonight's movie is called....... She Creature!!!!
Or... Mermaid
Chronicles Part 1: She Creature.
It stars Rufus Sewell (Count Adhemar from A Knight's Tale), The mom from Spy Kids and Billy
from Ally McBeal. And Howard from the Cosby Show.
Our movie begins with a lady in olden times walking through a castle
at night.
She and her hurricane lamp are investigating something.
Something attacks her. Cut to a turn of the
century carnival.
Count Adhemar... er... Angus is calling people around to see the freak show act.
He brings
a "real live zombie" out on stage but it's really just Howard. He pretends to be angered and escapes.
Just as suddenly
he stops because a chick is singing somewhere. It's Spy Kid Mom and she's dressed like a mermaid.
It's all a carnie
act. They all count up their money later that night.
Angus and Spy Kid Mom are married.
Some drunk guy is upset
she's not a real mermaid. Angus and SKM give him a ride home.
His home is the dusty old castle from the beginning of
teh movie.
The drunk guy does alot of drunk guy rambling about mermaids.
Uh oh... the drunk guy wants them to
follow him....
Ooh! Nicely done here. I like!!! He takes them to a very small tank with a mermaid crammed inside.
She's
chained inside because she murdered drunk guy's wife. I guess he's punishing her by leaving the algae build up in her tank.
That's
some fierce algae.
She speaks some creepy mermaid speak at them. ooh!
Angus wants to buy her and take her somewhere
to be studied buy the guys says no.
Angus rounds up a carnie posse with guns to go steal the mermaid.
Conveniently
the drunk guy has a heart attack.
Angus steals her and loads her abourd a ship and he tells his wife that he bought
her.
There's Billy from Ally McBeal. He's a member of the ship's crew.
They are sailing for the US.
Aw.
It's sort of sweet how Howard has taken to the psycho mermaid like a pet.
The crew doesn't know about the psycho mermaid.
Spy
Kid Mom and all thralled by the mermaid.
Billy hits on SKM.
It's late at night and the psycho mermaid has escaped!!!1111!!
SKM
dreams that the psycho mermaid ate her husband.
Oops! The crew caught the psycho mermaid on deck and they are pissed
that no one knew about her before.
They get the mermaid back in the tank and she's very sick. SKM goes to her.
She
seems okay now. She swam up the top of the tank and spit a ring out at SKM.
Ooh! Twist! Before SKM and Angus were married
she was a whore and she got it on with Billy and took all his money. Angus thinks that's cool!
SKM thinks the mermaid
ate Billy for her.
SKM found the journal of the drunk guy's wife. She was thralled too.
The drunk guy's wife
explains that the psycho mermaid will only eat people.
Late at night a sailor goes in to look at the mermaid. He's
thralled. She does a little underwater valerian dance for him.
SKM and Angus have a long sequence of wild oomphing
sex. Everynow and then we get shots of her looking like the mermaid and she starts to strange him.
Angus is a little
turned off by this and he leaves.
SKM runs down to the mermaid tank to ask, "WTF? Stop making me strangle Angus!" The
psycho mermaid says nothing but tries to look innocent.
The mermaid has learned to say Angus' name and SKM warns her
to stay away from him. It's night again and Angus, for whatever reason, is back in bed with her.
The movie has looped
in on itself. SKM wanders the ship in her nightie with a hurrican lamp in hand.
There's a funny shot of her waiting
for Howard to leave his post on mermaid watch. He's doing all sorts of carnie tricks like juggling and stuff to try and amuse
himself and the psycho mermaid.
Damn! I really like this movie so far. I really am digging it.
SKM lets the
mermaid out of the tank and tells it to escape into the ocean. She and the mermaid share an almost kiss until Howard walks
in and the mermaid kills Howard.
The crew comes in to shoot her and she screams.
Angus locks SKM in her room
and in the morning they bury Howard at sea. I'll miss Howard.
<Lita> Did they shoot the mermaid?
It seems
like they just tranqed her. She's fine, I guess. She hasn't really been back on screen yet.
What? The drunk guy's wife
was pregnant by the mermaid> Maybe I'm not getting something here.
SKM is out to kill the mermaid now but the mermaid
ain't in the tank.
SKM finds the mermaid fully naked and with legs in the corner.
The men try to shoot the mermaid
and SKM tried to stop them and passes out. Now she wakes up and she's saying she's pregnant. Angus tells her she's just stressed.
The
crew gets a little horny with the mermaid now that she has legs.
One of the carnies is all, "Dude that's not cool."
The
captain says the mermaid made him do something and he shoots himself before he says what.
Ah ha! The mermaif made the
captain steer the ship towards her home.
Rimmi will never go into the ocean again. The mermaid just turned into some
spiny, poiny ugly monster.
The psycho mermaid hell beast is killing off all the crew and the carnies one by one.
The
mermaid hell beast is looks like a really big, pissed off mollusk now.
Okay, now there's some b-movie crap going on.
The mermaid is the queen of all mermaids or something and she's bringing the shop in to mermaid island to feed the others.
I hope I heard all that wrong.
Now Angus and SKM are the last two alove on the ship.
Bummer. Now Angus is dead.
Now
all the happy little psycho mermaids are happy mama mermaid is back with them and they swim up to the ship.
Two weeks
later a rowboat finds the ship and SKM is still inside.
SKM lived and had a little girl and SKM never spoke about what
happened and it's kind of a lame open ending. I knew the moment I said I liked the movie would suck. The End.
Oh well.
It began with promise and then got really really weird.
