Les Raisins de la Morte

It's another french turd. It's got subtitles and everything.

It means I have to read stuff but I think I can keep up.

Tonight's movie is a smelly french turd known as "Les Raisins de la Morte" or "The Grapes of Death." It's from 1978 and it stars lots of french porn stars.

It starts out with some ol' french guys spraying pesticide on grape vines and smoking all at the same time.

The french guy on the tractor suddenly feels sick and his neck hurts. His boss tells him he's really okay and he should get back to work and tomorrow he'll get the farmers better masks so the strange new pesticide won't kill them as fast. The sick farmer guy goes back to work.

Now enter two french chickies on a train. One is blonde, the other brunette. Okay. Who do you think will live and who will die?

The brunette can't wait to get to the station. The subtitle tells me she can't wait to shower but I heard her say she can't wait to douche.

They exposit that they are stopping at a quaint little vineyard in the quiet countryside where nothing scary could possibly happen this chilly October day.

The sick french guy from before gets on the train and spooks the blonde. We see the brunette wait for her friend but instead the sick french guy walks through the train to find the brunette. The train is empty except for the two girls and the guy, BTW.

Where could the blonde have gone? Oh my???

So anyway, the farmer guy sits right in the train car with the brunette who's still wondering where her friend is. The brunette lifts her paper to read it and each time she sneaks a peak at the weird guy, his face appears to have melted off more and more.

She grabs her suitcase and runs out of the car and the farmer face melting guy stumbles after her. She trips over her dead friend while trying to get away from him.

So the brunette pulls the cord to stop the train to get away from the farmer zombie. It appears he isn't even interested in chasing her anymore. He sits on the train tracks to cry. She runs away from the zombie through a train tunnel and over a foggy bridge because when outrunning zombies, that's the best course of action.

Now she's running, she's really really running through a mountain pass and into a open french countryside. It's too bad she didn't notice the zombie stopped to cry.

I read that the scenery isn't so great. The countryside now looks like the backdrop of M.A.S.H.

So she wanders into some french home where the owners are just sitting sround like they were waiting for her. The husband's skin is falling off but he's hiding it and feigning interest in her story about her dead friend.

They strangely pour her some wine to calm her down. She takes a small sip but keeps jabbering about her friend.

The husband is all like, "You want help? Well that phone right there doesn't work and the car outfront is all broken down and the police couldn't really give a crap so just drink some more wine!"

So he drinks some wine and she sees his rotting skin and tries to run away but the wife tackles her and they slap each other.

The wife is all, "Shut up you crazy woman and drink some more wine and take a nap."

The brunette is ushered upstairs for her forced nap where she finds a guy on the floor with his throat slashes. The wife tells her he's already started his nap and he's fine.

Oops, not a man. It's the wife's mom. I guess the husband is gone now and the wife is trying to sneak the brunette out and she confesses that the ruse is up. Mom is really dead and not napping with her throat all slashed.

The husband grabs the wife and someone manages to magically rip all her clothes off before stabbing her with a pitchfork.

The husband begs to be killed by the brunette so she runs him down in the car he said didn't work.

She drives to the ruins of some old french castle because certainly she'll be safe from the zombies there.

Some guy with a gaping head wound chases her around and begs to get into her car. He bashes his headwound on the door until the window breaks. Then she scrounges up the smallest pistol ever and shoots him.

So she gets out of the car to check on him and run through the countryside some more.

She stops to cry and strange blind woman in a billowy white dress wanders over to help her.

So now the blind woman leads the dumb woman to an old abandoned french house where they will be safe from zombies.

Chickens wander around. I'm so glad the zombies were kind enough to leave them alone. Zombie chickens. *shiver*

Lots of dead people are strewn around the manor and the brunette isn't telling the blind chick about them.

The blind chick stumbles over a dead guy whose eyeball just popped out and she's getting the idea there are a lot of dead people around.

The blind chick is saying, "I'm touching dead people" and the brunnete is all like, "Don't be so crazy. Of course you're not touching dead people. You're tounching peeled grapes.... get it? It's a party game." The blind chick ain't buyin' it.

They get to the blind chick's home and her boyfriend isn't around. Meanwhile the zombies wander out of their homes and into the streets. I'm not sure why they didn't come out before this. There's a lot of them.

The blind chick makes a run for the door and escapes because the brunette was trying to force her into a nap. Now the brunette has to run out and save her.

Hee! The blind chick is wandering around with her hands out to feel things. We get a really funny shot of her walking down a street by herself and one by one a whole parade of zombies step out and silently follow her.

LOL! Super stealth zombies all lurch around behind her trying not to laugh at how dead she's about to be.

She hears them behind her eventually and she stops to yell at them and stop to be yelled at. When she moves on they follow her some more. Zombies are such a cruel people.

So she find her boyfriend and he kills her.

The zombies now chase the brunette chanting, "I love you."

A new blonde chick with a creepy smile shows up out of nowhere and grabs the brunette and hauls her into her home where she's been hiding out for three days.

Whoa. Okay Tork. Try not to pass out on me but the replacement blonde friend is actually a french maid. The brunette isn't sure how to kindly ask if the maid is a zombie and the maid replies by fondling her breasts to show she's alive.

Her own breats. Not the brunette's breasts.

Okay. lol. the french maid says she'll leave the house but only if she gets dressed first so she takes off her billowy breast fondling nightie in favor of a dress and high heels. Now she's ready to run from zombies.

wow. Um okay? The french maid who isn't a zombie has an alliance with the zombies to burn the brunette alive. The maid must change into another billowy white dress to do this.

So two guys show up, Jean-Paul and Francois, and they shoot zombies, have some banter about how JP thinks it's cool to shoot zombies and Francois doesn't because they can't help what they are then the brunette screams. The french maid says it was really her who screamed and she needs to be saved. Even Jean-Paul and Francois diss her billowy clothing this time of night.

Well then. The maid insists she isn't a zombie because her skin isn't rotting off. She takes off all her clothes to show them.

What I didn't mention before was that the blind girl's boyfriend cut off the blind girl's head and he's been carrying it around all night. Now we are getting a random shot of him playing tonsil hockey with her head.

JP and Francois blow up the town.

The french maid waits by the truck for the men to finish blowing stuff up. The brunette finds her and walks right up to her. Now a girl fight breaks out.

The brunette beats the maid to death.

Oh wait. The maid is still alive and sets fire to the truck which is full on TNT.

The trio decide to walk to the vineyard to get help.

Certain women are immune to the wine and JP and Francois prefer beer.

After a lot of jabber about reasoning with the zombies, they reach the vineyard.

JP wants her to eat a baguette becuase it will make her feel better.

JP and Francois share some vague joke that didn't translate well about eating champagne.

The brunette find her own boyfriend who works at the vineyard. He's infected and wants to die.

He cries and his face peels off.

Oh! Her boyfriend is the boss from the beginning. Bastard.

JP shoots the boyfriend and the brunette shoots JP.

She shoots Francois.

She lets her boyfriend bleed on ther face. And then it's over. Just like that.

Well. Hmm. That sucked.

And it bored me.