Count Yorga, Vampire

Rimmi on the Aisle: Count Yogi..er, Yorga, Vampire

I will be starting "Count Yorga, Vampire".

Here's some movie background: It's from 1970 and it has a sequel I will have to look out for.

I've never heard of Count Yorga. Sounds interesting. And hey! Leonard Maltin said it was "Clever, fast-paced and convincing,"

What? The movie box calls it "Count Yorga, Vampire" but the opening credits call it "The Loves of Count Iorgas, Vampire."

The movie opens with a shipyard and a coffin being loaded onto a truck.

And it's daylight.

The truck heads down the freeway as the voice over begins. That coffin is not secured in that truck bed!

The voice over tells us what vamps are. The truck stops at a spooky mansion.

Now a group of people are having a seance.

Now a group of people are having a seance.

A heckler named Carl pretends to snore because the medium is boring.

The medium shuts his eyes and gets all emotional trying to call a ghost forth but Carl is grabbing boob of the chick next to him and another chick sneezes. The medium is pissed. He looks like Adam Chance. Yuck!

Laura is the serious chick who called the medium. Now they all scold Carl.

They are trying to contact some chick named Donna.

The window quietly blows open.

Laura gets all possessed and screams and the lights go out. Now it's time for Carl to look all scornful at the medium.

The medium tries to calm Laura down with hypnosis. He wants her to forget it. Somewhere in another room I think the vampire is telling her to be his slave.

Wait. I got confused by the editing. I think the medium is the vampire.

Laura is fine now. She thanks the strange medium who won't accept any food but says he'll "have a bite later."

Laura wil be getting married in 4 weeks.

The medium was a friend of Laura's mom.

Carl and his hot chickie are giving the medium (who I'll be calling the Count now) a ride in their volkswagon van. The dog at the gate barks at the count then whimpers as he looks at the dog. The guard looks a little crazed.

The guard (I think) is named Guntar.

The count invites them in for a drink but the man refuses. The woman wanted to go in the house but instead they drive off. Now the van is stuck in the mud. They are alone!!! Oh no!

Carl tells her she has a fat ass and then tries to make out with her.

Carl is unable to fix the tire so he and Erica just have sex in the van.

Carl gets out of the van to make a peepee and Count Yorga watched from the bushes.

Carl senses he was watched and he is freaked. He gets back in bed with Erica.

Carl and Erica fall asleep and the sound effects get so out of control they wake Erica up. She opens the curtains to see why the crickets, the bullfrogs and the peepers and the hoot owls and the creatures of the night are being so obnoxious and the sees Count Yorga watching them. She screams and then he opens the door from the other side of the van and yanks her out.

Oops! He yanks out Carl and knocks him out. Erica is inside.

She gets all sexed up and the Count opens his cape up to her. Cut to daylight. A freeway. Carl says he and Erica don't know what happened but he blames the Count.

A doctor tells Erica she lost a lot of blood and should stuff herself with stakes-- er-- steaks. Rare steaks. He examines the bite on her neck and he smokes through the exam.

He thinks the bite marks came from something she fell on.

Carl and some guy from the seance talk about the seance and the Count.

Carl and the other guy go to Erica's house because they are worried. They find her in the kitchen eating a dead cat. She screams. The other guy calls the doctor and Carl freaks. She tempts him with the cat.

She sees what she's done and she passes out.

The doctor comes over to give Erica a transfusion with Carl's blood. She's crying over the cat and begs to die.

Count Yorga walks through his home for a long time as organ music plays.

He goes to his basement whre his heavily boobified minions sleep.

The heavily boobified minions make out.

The doctor finally throws it out there: Erica was bitten by a vampire. The guys don't believe it

The doctor wants to investigate Count Yorga.

Erica is under a trance, there's a storm outside, she fondles her boobs at the storm, sunddenly the Count is there...

Yorga bits her again and helpfully helps her fondle her boobs.

Carl goes upstairs and she's gone and the window is open.

The doctor's ditzy wife tells him the cops found a dead bloodless baby in the swamp.

The doctor reports Yorga to the cops and the cop says to stop calling because he's the 78th person that night to call in about vampires.

Guntar carries Erica and her fat ass into the lair of the heavily boobified minions.

carl and his van speed over

His van leaves without him.

Yorga strangles him. Guntar seems upset. He tells Guntar there will be more guests.

The doctor shows up and he's dragging Laura and her fiancee, Michael into this.

Yorga acts like he wasn't expecting them at all.

Yorga tells him he hasn't seen Carl or Erica and tries to turn the conversation around on the doctor.

Michael insists he doesn;t need Guntar's help finding the bathroom.

Guntar insists and they leave in search of the bathroom.

The doctor leaves Laura alone for a moment and Yorga thralls her. The men return and Yorga tried to make them leave but they would rather stay and drink his brandy.

The doctor wants to stay until daylight to see what happens to Yorga. Now he starts asking Yorga about vampires.

Yorga's all like, "Just get the hell out of my house!"

They leave Yorga's. Michael and the doctor compare notes.

The doctor convinces Michael they should go back in the day and kill Yorga.

First he calls the cops about Yorga but the cops hang up on him again.

Yorga calls out to Laura...

SHe drives to his place. Michael calls the doctor to say they overslept and Laura is gone.

Guntar meets Laura outside and he drags her around the yard for no reason.

It's night again. Michael and the doc go to Yorga's.

They have stakes ready.

Guntar apologizes to Yorga for taking Laura for himself. Yorga is pissed but doesn't have time because they have guests...

Yorga corners the doc who was sneaking around all by himself.

Michael finds the coffin. He's miffed there's nothing inside to stake.

Yorga and the doc sit down and have a boring chat.

He takes the doc to the lair of the heavily boobified minions. He checks on Erica, the newest boobified member.

This whole time Michael's been wandering around Yorga's home. Doc gets scared abd calls out for Michael. Yorga teases him and calls for Michael too. Then the heavily boobified minions get up...

The heavily boobified minions start sucking on the doc.

Michael runs and slips on Carl then runs some more. lol

He runs into Guntar and stabs him.

A boobified minion gets ready to get it on with Laura. Michael finds the docand the other boobified minions attack.

Michael won't stake Erica. He leaves and runs into Guntar and must stab him again.

Michael finds Yorga, stabs to boobified minion and somehow manages to stake Yorga.

He saves Laura. Yorga dustifies and Michael and Laura tried to leave but the remaining boobified minions won't let them leave.

AND..... (drumroll)..... Laura vamps out and kills Michael. Long live the boobified lesbian vampires. The End.