28 Days Later

Ew! The movie open on a monkey strapped to a table being forced to watch grainy videos of police beatings in third world countries. This can't be good.

It's a research facility that has apperently been rigorously testing how to piss monkeys off. Three people dressed in black break in to the maokey lab and take pictures of the perturbed chimps.

A lab tech catches them and warns them not to touch their monkeys.

Oh, and the people are all British they say Bloody Hell and Piss off a lot.

Oh no! Worst possible scenario! The lab tech reveals the monkeys are infected. Infected with RAGE!

A monkey filled with RAGE! bites some chick and she starts to puke blood all over

And she bites the lab tech. Now they are all filled with RAGE!

Now some dude is waking up naked on a hospital bed. I know he's naked because this movie has just shown me everything.

Movie! I beg you to stop making him walk around swinging in front of me! Jeez!

He has scrubs on now and tries to call people on the phone

He walks around and looks at how lonely he is.

London is empty

We get a tour of London as he shouts HELLO at Big Ben, HELLO at Buckingham Palace, HELLO at the Tower of London, HELLO at a Doubledecker bus and HELLO at Trafalgar Square.

Oops. He forgot to shout HELLO at Piccadilly Circus.

The dude finally picks up a newspaper and reads about this strange sickness. Secretly we all know it as RAGE!

Stops in Westminster Abbey but hasn't yet said HELLO!

The pews are filled with dead people. One body with a gross face jerks his body up and looks at the dude. The dude shout HELLO. He hears footsteps in teh hall and says HELLO several more times and a priest comes in, jerking and choking to which the dude says HELLO?

He hits the preist and says he shouldn't have done that because now he'll go to HELL and he runs out of the church with a few jerky people chasing after him and he shouts HELP!

Some people dressed in black save him from the jerky people by setting the jerky people on fire.

We meet the people dressed in black: Mark and Selena. Selena explains about the RAGE!

The RAGE spread to Paris and NYC.

The dude, Mark and Selena walk around. They check some flat for survivors.

I see! That was his family's flat. They are all dead.

The dude's name is Jim.

Zombies with RAGE invade the flat and attack! Mark and Selena fight off the zombies and Mark gets blood in his mouth. Selena does us all a favor and hacks Mark to peices.

Selena insists Jim put on some clothes as do I.

They look for survivors. They find a mountain of shopping carts. Surely a pile of shopping carts indicates RAGE!

Jim and Selena get chased by more zombies but are saved by a dad and his teeage girl, Hannah.

For some reason they seem to like to play never ending music box music in their flat.

For the bazillionth time they establish Selena is a tough chick and she won't f*ck Jim. I get it, movie. I understand.

Not with Selena. She doesn't f*ck.

They get a car and try to drive it to the radio station. Jim looks out the window wanting so badly to open it, hang his head out and shout HELLO at things.

They get stuck in a tunnel. The dad gets a flat tire driving into other cars.

The zombies come -a-running!!! It's dinner time!

Oh but they get away just in time!

They stop at the store to get food and chase each other around in shopping carts. The director must have loved shopping carts.

They are driving but stop at a gas truck to get gas for the car. Jim sees a sign that says EAT and goes into a diner for cheeseburgers.

It might not be EAT but it's close.

Oh man! Some little boy filled with RAGE attacks him and he has to give the zombie boy a taste of his louisville slugger. Gross.

Windmills? Where in Europe are they now?

They stop for a picnic and find horses. WEEE!

Selena gets all sentimental. It looks like she just may f*ck Jim soon.

But not yet. Jim goes to sleep and wakes up in the morning alone. He freaks out and runs to a field full of sheep and shouts HELLO several times at the sheep. The sheep seem indifferent.

I'm sensing a strange theme here. Remember in Freddie vs Jason I mentioned some strange wayward sheep Scratching Groin Hidden Fart's dream? Well in this entirely different movie Jim dreams about wayward sheep. I feel an impending CH-ch-ch-ch- Ha ha ha ha...

They head off on their jorney again. More music box music.

For a zombie movie that would normally scare me, this zombie movie is boring the crap out of me.

I think they just stopped on the set of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. Where the hell are they? Selena doesn't like it and begs to leave but the dad is looking for something.

Some crow eat a dead guy on some scaffolding and the dad looks up just in time to get a drop of blood in the eye. Now he's filled with RAGE!

he tells his daughter he loves her and starts twitching around.

Some military guys spring up out of nowhere and pump him full of lead in front of his little girl.

The military guys drive them to some fancy pants British manor house filled with nude male statues. 1.) I've seen enough penis in this film. 2.) If Frankenfurter shows up I'm shutting this movie off.

Okay. They show us Jim's ass one more time. ENOUGH!

Selena worries about Hannah. Jim and Selena share kisses but then Selena runs out before any f*cking occurs.

The army guy just gave Jim a very strange affectionate pat on the head to assure him the manor house is safe.

He demonstrates that the manor house is safe by giving Jim a tour of some army guys rolling around and giggling together in the tall grass. Hmmmm....

And the tour continues into the kitchen where some army guys in frilly aprons throw food and giggle.

And finally the tour ends with an army guy on a dog chain. Well, this army guy is infected with RAGE and puking up blood everywhere. I guess they keep him as a zombie pet now.

They want to know how long he'll live undead or something.

The army guys cook a gross meal. Then they get philosphical about death.

Zombies try to raid the little fortress and the army guys feed them hot lead!

Uh oh! The army guys got all horny after blowing up some zombies and come in wanting Selena to get horny with them. Jim objects and the army commander stops them.

The head army d*ckhead promised his men that he'd bring them women. Jim tries to get Selena and Hannah and get the hell out but the army guys tell him he can do what he likes but the women must stay.

Jim won't be a part of this. The army guys wanna kill him now so they take him and some other guy to the zombie pile to shoot them.

The army guys stupidly shoot each other and Jim gets away.

Jim sees a plane. The army guys want to prepare Selena and Hannah for.... stuff......

Jim finds and air raid signal and cranks it!

The army guys follow it and a lured away from the women.

Jim kills some army guys. Good thing. I'm hating this movie.

What? Now a legion of naked zombies attack?

The women seem to have found the most emotionally unstable soldier and they are messing with his mind.

Jim set free the Zombie on the leash and he's attacking and puking on the soldiers.

Zombie is having his way with some of the soldiers. Hannah took some valium and ran away.

Jim searches for Selena and Hannah but the commander and d*ckhead is still alive.

Jim kills that guy and then he and Jim kiss. Hannah thinks Jim is infected with the RAGE and she hits Jim

Jim gets shot by some other guy. They all go a hospital to take care of Jim. Will this movie just end????

They made an SOS for a plane to rescue them.

LOL! It's not an SOS. It's a big sign that says HELLO.

And that is the fucking end of this fucking movie!

That was the most painful movie yet!

I hope zombies puke on them all.